Thursday, December 1, 2011

Tights are not pants

About two years ago I started to see this issue happening in Hollywood, but I never thought it would actually come to my home. Well, not my home exactly, but my town. I was horrified this school year by the repeated appearance of moms wearing tights as pants when picking up or dropping off their kids. This week marks the final straw.  In honor of the holidays and good will toward man I am issuing a public service announcement:

Tights are not pants!
Neither are leggings.

I know it might be confusing. After all, pants and tights do go on the same way.  And I realize some tights and leggings are opaque, which adds to their outerwear-esque appearance.  But even opaque tights have their issues. Take this photo of Lindsay Lohan:

even on (in)famous people, tights are not pants
See how the tights begin to pull upon reaching the thigh thus losing their opacity? It's like a big swash of highlighter right up your thigh.  I'm sure that's an area we all want to highlight.  Plus, Lindsay Lohan. Is that really the look you want to go for?

When you are able to tear your eyes from Lindsay's thighs, spend some time looking at Olivia Wilde's crotch (Yeah, I never thought, I'd write that either).

why, Olivia, why?

Admit it, it's hard to look away.  She has creases and seams forming a runway to her nether regions, and still more seam running up her slightly flattened backside. Why, Olivia? Why?  As for moms taking their kids to school, I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS MUCH ABOUT YOU. Ours is a casual relationship.

This is not to say I don't like tights. I do! But, not as pants. More, as accessories.  Like paired with winter shorts.

see, tights go under (short) pants.

Or, more traditionally, a skirt.

even brightly colored gams look better than opaque-stretched-sheer thigh highlights

So let's review. Which of the following celebrities are wearing pants?

Kristy Leigh Porter
Jennifer Aniston

Emma Watson
Becky Newton

Taylor Momsen
Katie Holmes

Answers: A. Jennifer Aniston, B. Emma Watson, C. Katie Holmes

Did, you get them all right?  Good! You may call yourself a sartorialist.

If you only got two out of three,  I forgive you.  Kristy's black legs and Becky's saucy smile may have confused you.

What! You got only one?  Maybe you recently bought these tights and now you are desperately grasping for additional ways to wear them. Next time, buy pants.

If you got none correct, oh honey, my blog may not be enough to help you because you have bigger problems than fashion. Your friends are obviously trying to sabotage you because people who love you do not let you go out in public without the bottom part of your body dressed.


CGinty said...

Fabulous! Well said, and funny!!

Jenny N said...

love this Janice! thanks for clarifying for everyone!

Never A Plain Jane said...

Oh, Jenny. It is relatively warm here so I can only imagine what you must see up there!

bridechic said...

I have to agree with you. I think even to get away with wearing a to-the-waist top with leggings you need to be twiggy-thin and the leggings have to be heavier than most I've seen. You're very observant, my dear . . .

Tina said...

Yes, please make sure your top covers your butt when wearing leggings! Was that rude? Ooops!